Sucks To Be You: Book 2
by Elexis
Summary: YAAAAAAARGH! *eats a carrot* THE BLOOPERS ARE UP!
1. Default Chapter

I know! Its been WAAAY too long and this is way over due. But things have been hectic, and well, I just now got an idea for a great first chapter in this second book.  
  
WHEEE! But first, before I start this thing, I don't own any characters except Elexis.  
  
ALSO! IMPORATANT! School has let in again, and I'm now a junior in high school. Which means I gotta study for ACTs and all that. It will be a busy year for me, but I'll try to get as many chapters as I can up in whatever amount of time I can get to it. K? Now....ON WITH 'DA SHOW!  
  
  
  
(spotlight appears in darkness, I am in the spotlight.)  
  
Me: Ladies and Gents, boys and girls, and everything in between. Once in a great while, something great happens. The first female gladiator, Joan of Arc, first man on the moon, and the great pants celebration of '63.  
  
This, my friends, is not one of these. For the following chapters lead to great madness. Beware, your I.Q. may lower greatly. SO RUN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!! YAAAAAARGH!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
RAZIEL AND CO. GO COW TIPPIN'  
  
(Scene: Raziel, Kain, Dumah, Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab, and Turel are standing in a field of cows at night.the cows are sleeping, standing up.)  
  
Raziel: Now what you do is put your elbow by the utter....  
  
Turel: I WANT PIGGIES INSTEAD!  
  
Kain: Well your not GETTING piggies! We tip cows! And cows only! GRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Raziel: anyway, then you give 'em a shove and..  
  
(cow falls over with a loud 'FLUMP!' sound.)  
  
Zephon: Cows go flump?  
  
Melchiah: They go FLUMP in the night when they fall over.  
  
Me: This is getting dull.  
  
Zephon: Well its YOUR fault if you think about it, you ARE writing this aft-  
  
(I hit him with 40 pound pants)  
  
Kain: I didn't know they still made those....  
  
Me: ANYWAY, to keep up the pace of the book we have left behind to gather dust in depths of FF.net, I think you guys need to do something over the top funny...  
  
Melchiah: (SIGH)  
  
Rahab: And that thing would be...?  
  
(I pull out bee suits from my back)  
  
Me: WEAR THESE BEE SUITS FOR THE DURATION OF THIS CHAPTER! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
All in horror except me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (deep breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Me: DO IT OR I'LL...MELT YOUR FACE OFF OR SOMETHING!  
  
All: (sniffle) ok..  
  
(they put the bee suits on)  
  
Kain: Good bye dignity..  
  
Raziel: Hellllllllo bee suits.  
  
Tural: (goes up to Dumah) I think yer purty mister bumbly bee!  
  
Dumah: I AM NOT A BUMBLY BEE! I AM AVAMPIRE! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Me: Heh...bees.  
  
Rahab: MUST YOU LAUGH AT OUR PAIN?!  
  
Me: Yes.  
  
Rahab:.........oh.  
  
Zephon: Well...now what?  
  
Me: Well..YOUR BEES! Do something...beeish.  
  
Turel: (stings Kain on the butt)  
  
Kain: OOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!! YOUR IN FOR IT, TUREL! (stings him, Turel ducks and Kain hits Raziel instead)  
  
Raziel: HEY! What was that for?! (goes to sting Kain but gets Dumah)  
  
Dumah: BUMBLY BEE FIGHT!  
  
(They all start stinging each other)  
  
Me: ME, THE MISTRESS OF INSANITY IS BACK IN ACTION PEOPLE!  
  
All: WHY MUST THIS BE?  
  
Me: (giggles)  
  
All: WHAT?  
  
Me: Be! (pun drums)  
  
Kain: The bee suit! It itches! (starts scratching)  
  
Me: Actually, that me BEE the itching powder I put in the your suit before you put it on. ^_^ 


	2. GASP!

I quite honestly have been REALLY busy with school and being in the school play, there is no time for anything! : ( Anyway, NO, I have NOT forgotten this story, and I seriously doubt I will ever. *gets of soap box* anyway, this READ: NEXT CHAPTER IS TRUTH OR DARE!!! IT IS INTERACTIVE! I WILL NOT POST QUESTIONS AND RESPOND TO THEM PAST TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21! ONLY RULE: BE APPROPRIATE! NOTHING SEXUAL AND/OR TOO TERRIBLY VULGAR! K? PROMISE! I'm trying to keep this as fast passed as possible, but things have been CRAZY!  
  
Turel: You promised piggies!  
  
Me: I PROMISE NO PIGGIES!  
  
Kain: (to audience) Be kind! PLEASE! I'll make more toast!  
  
Raziel: Stop buttering up the audience! (peers around) Be nice orI'll...force everyone on a road trip with fan girls!  
  
Everyone but me: O_O;;;  
  
Kain: RAZIEL! DON'T GIVE 'ER IDEAS!  
  
Me: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! (runs)  
  
Everyone: Poooo... 


	3. TRUTH OR DARE!

HOWDY! Hehe. _ Get ready for PURE MADNESS!!!! YAAAAAAARGH! (runs in circles) I know, late again, but we had the school play performance to do. It was fun because it dealt with teen issues, but for some reason the audience was laughing at the scene where the mother beat the daughter..HMMMM anyway ^_^  
  
(a light shines revealing me and the LoK cast sitting in chairs..I am creative, yes?)  
  
Me: MUAHAHA!! (cough) Instead of making a specch and taking up space, let us get to the dares!  
  
Notimportaaant: I DARE YOU KAIN...TO BE RAZIEL  
  
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Raziel: (blinks) okay (goes and puts on Kain suit) (ahem) I AM KAIN! BOW BEFORE ME! LOOKIT ME I GOT HIT BY A PARKED CAR! (snicker)  
  
Kain: Oh that's IT! (runs and puts on Raziel suit) I AM RAZIEL, THE MANGLED BLUE CORPSE! I WET THE COFFIN!  
  
Raziel: (glares) MY MOM WAS SO STUPID SHE PUT LIPSTICK ON HER FOREHEAD TO MAKE UP HER MIND!  
  
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Kain! He insulted your mom!  
  
Kain: MY MOM'S SO UGLY IT LOOKS LIKE HER NECK THREW UP!  
  
Melchiah: Entertainment ahoy!  
  
Me: ENOUGH ALREADY! NEXT!  
  
Z-F Kat: I dare Zephon to eat 50 pounds of chocolate with out trying to be sick. (Stupid I know)  
  
Dumah has to say what can really scare him. (He's got to be scared of something)  
  
I dare Raziel and Turel to kiss each other. (While wearing lipstick)  
  
And Rahab has to say if he has ever cheated on a test when he went to school.  
  
Zephon: (gulps)  
  
Me: This'll be great! (runs to bakery, grabs a 50 pound chocolate cake, and returns surprisingly fast for someone wearing long, wide leg pants)  
  
Zephon: (holding fork and knife) I dun wanna!  
  
Me: For the fans, Zephon, for the fans..  
  
Zephon: (sniffle) But...  
  
Me: NO BUTS! EAT!  
  
Zephon: (SIGH) (begins to munch)  
  
~~~~~~~6 MONTHS LATER..~~~~~~~~  
  
Zephon: (now has gained 50 pounds) ARG...all ...done..  
  
Me: WOW..And I thought I was the only one with 3 stomachs! The next one is...oh yeah, she wants Raziel to kiss Turel with lipstick..uh..hm..  
  
Kain: NOT ME! I'M KAIN!  
  
Me: But your in a Raziel suit!  
  
Turel: MENTOS!!!!!!!! (puts lipstick on)  
  
Me: Ok..fine! The REAL Raziel, who is wearing the Kain suit, here (tosses a lipstick that came from nowhere to him)  
  
Raziel: (grumble grumble) Wait..(runs off for second, comes back in bullet proof armor with a gas mask, puts lipstick on gas mask)  
  
Me: Hmmm..I'm gonna allow this. To a certain extent, that is. Turel seems fine.  
  
Raziel: Yes, but he's also a dumbass!  
  
Me: Just get it over with! The more you hesitate, the more you have to think about it!  
  
Raziel: (SIGH) I guess your right..(Turel and Raziel are close at the face for a second, Turel, pecks the gas mask, then they both run)  
  
Raziel: I HATE MY UNLIFE! I HATE MY UNLIFE!  
  
Turel: (squeeeeeeeek)  
  
Me: Ok, whats next?  
  
Raziel: (cry)  
  
Me: Oh! Dumah! You have to reveal what your greatest fear is!  
  
Dumah: Uhhhh.  
  
(everyone hudles in close)  
  
All but Dumah: HMMMMMMMMM!!!  
  
Dumah: Well.....I've always been afraid of...  
  
Me: OF.....  
  
Dumah: (starts crying) RAINBOWS! (runs away crying)  
  
All: 0_0;;;;  
  
Me: Ooooooooooooooookayyyyy...next, Z-F Kat wants Rahab to admit if he ever cheated on a test in high school!!  
  
Rahab: Heheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeee...INDEED I HAVE! Who hasn't?  
  
Raziel: Not me!  
  
Kain: Not me!  
  
Melchiah: Not me!  
  
Rahab: SHUT UP! No one asked you! Anyway, so I forgot to study for chemistry, right, and that sucks. So I covered myself in mirrors and cheated! HAHAHA!  
  
Kain: And the teacher never noticed?  
  
Rahab: NOPE! She was BLIND! The mirrors on me reflected off the sun and straight into her eyes, causing blindness!  
  
Me: You seem proud.  
  
Rahab: Indeed I am! I AM RAHAB!  
  
Me: (twitch twitch) Anyway...  
  
VladimirsAngel: I want Melchaiah, Zephon and Dumah to do an impression of the Three Stooges.  
  
Me: Well first we gotta get Dumah back. (runs out, and comes back dragging Dumah by the head) You 3 now must do YOUR impression of the tree stooges!  
  
Melchiah: (bonks Dumah on the head) Stop cryin' ya baby!  
  
Dumah: (tries to hit Melchiah, but he ducks and Dumah hits Zephon) SILENCE!  
  
Zephon: SHUT UP THE BOTHA YA'S! (hit them both with a weasel)  
  
(all 3 start hitting each other on the head with random objects)  
  
Melchiah: No one likes you! (hits Zephon)  
  
Dumah: You smell! (hits Melchiah)  
  
Zephon: Your legs are stupid! (hits himself)  
  
Dumah and Zephon: O_O;;;; (slight pause)  
  
Dumah: YOUR NECK IS CROOKED! (hits Zephon)  
  
Zephon: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (hits them all)  
  
Me: Ok. You can stop.  
  
Melchiah: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! (does the same)  
  
Me: I SAID STOP!!!!  
  
(they all pause and sit down)  
  
Angel-chan: I DARE KAIN TO DRESS UP IN A CHICKEN SUIT AND SING THE CHICKEN SONG FOR AT LEAST FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pant, pant*  
  
Kain: (sniff) But...but I already have a Raziel suit on!  
  
Me: Put the chicken suit over it! (throws chicken suit at him)  
  
Kain: (SIGH) FINE. YOUR NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE! (puts it on)  
  
Me: I wasn't your friend!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. Now what?  
  
Me: I like this one! Do the chicken dance AND the chicken song!  
  
Kain: -_-;;;  
  
Me: DANCE, CHICKEN MAN! DANCE!  
  
Kain: (starts dancing and singing chicken song)  
  
Me: (claps) Faster!  
  
Kain: (dances faster) WHHHHHHY MEEEEEEE!!  
  
Me: Your supposed to be singing!  
  
Kain: (dances and dances)  
  
  
  
Me: Well, that's it for now, people. Next chapter will be a road trip for the LoK characters, I'm takin' a breather, so you won't have to deal with me next chapter. If it takes awhile, don't give up on the book, I'm always like this but I don't mean to be. REVIEW OR I WILL SEND MOOSE AFTER MOOSE AFTER YOU!!!  
  
(Kain is still dancing) 


	4. ROAD TRIP!

Hey, guys. Been awhile. Hmm. I have suddenly realized I say that all the time. Ah well. Anyway, I have a GOOD excuse this time. Some serious problems on my end. I won't bore you with the details, but it hasn't been fun. If curiosity overwhelms you for some reason, go ahead and e-mail me about it. Oh yeas, and due to the fact that I've gotten a few e-mails about missing the whole 'truth n' dare' thing, I'm gonna due another one in a little bit, I'm going write a few chapters first, so don't go and....don't go and...do stuff.  
  
Uh...  
  
  
  
Anyway, I promised a road trip, and a road trip is what you shall get!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! Again, I won't be in this one, so maybe some sanity will prevail....NOT!!  
  
  
  
(Everyone is sitting on a couch staring)  
  
Sarafan Raziel: I think the paint dried....  
  
Vorador: SHHH!!  
  
(everyone keeps staring)  
  
Junos: (holding pineapples) I don't care HOW many times you say it, Dumah, watching paint dry is NOT a sport!  
  
Dumah: Anyone up for watching grass grow?  
  
BO Kain: (YAWN) I am SO close to getting out of here.  
  
BO2 Kain: Me too.  
  
Turel: Stink with me, and stink indeed!  
  
(silence for a second)  
  
Melchiah: I have an idea!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: That's a first...  
  
Melchiah: (glares) Because the author is uncreative enough NOT to come up with a dilemma, lets go on a road trip for no reason.  
  
(A/N: HE LIES!! HE LIIIIIES!!!)  
  
Kain: Sounds good to me.  
  
Turel: HEHE! I DRIVE! (runs and hops in the driver's seat of a RV.)  
  
Mobious: Uh, no. (pushes him aside and takes the wheel) GET IN!!  
  
(Everyone hopes in)  
  
Mobious: LET'S ROLL!! (starts engine and starts.....slowly going down the road, the speedometer drops below the dashboard)  
  
(Zephon looks ticked)  
  
Zephon: YOU DRIVE LIKE AN OLD MAN...OLD MAN!! (throws Mobious out the window and takes the driver's seat) MUAHAHAHA!! (is going 80 or some really high speed like that)  
  
BO Kain: Ariel! Sit down! I cant see out the window!  
  
Ariel: A body is needed to sit, flesh and bones are needed to requ-  
  
BO Kain: I don't care, sit down.  
  
(Ariel blinks and sits)  
  
Vampire Raziel: Hey, guys. Um..Where, exactly, are we going?  
  
(no answer)  
  
Vorador: Ummm..  
  
Zephon: It's a ROAD TRIP, all the funs on the road, so we're going nowhere.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Yeehaw..  
  
BO2 Kain: Would you lighten up?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: No.  
  
BO2 Kain: Alright then.  
  
Turel: (squeeeeeeeeeek) (pulls little rubber piggy from pocket) ^-^  
  
Melchiah: HEY! Where'd you get THAT?  
  
Turel: (dumb grin) Who do ya think?  
  
Melchiah: Yes, but I thought we got rid of them all.  
  
Vorador: Exactly! There can't be any left!  
  
Turel: Hehe! Not ALL of them!  
  
Raziel: Apparently. Oh well. Its only one. Not a lot of harm can come from one piggy.  
  
Turel: Are you so sure its only ONE?  
  
Ariel: Uh-oh.  
  
BO Kain: God help us...  
  
(Turel stands up and unleashes a mass of pigginess in the RV)  
  
Zephon: AHHHH!!! THE PIGS! THEY BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!!!  
  
Rahab: Dammit, Turel! Why'd you have go and that? (clears pigs from Zephon's view)  
  
Dumah: Well, I have to say, this isn't very exciting.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Oh..I wouldn't say that....  
  
Dumah: Eh? (sees him looking out the window) Something happening?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Uh..yeah. You might want to have a look....  
  
Janos: (holding pineapples and looks out the window) HOLY CRAP! FAN GIRLS! ZEPHON, STEP ON IT!  
  
(about 15 cars full of fan girls surround the RV)  
  
All Kains: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA (deep breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAARGH!!!  
  
(a fan girl jumps out of a car and clings to the RV window next to Sarafan Raziel)  
  
Fangirl: I LOOOOVE YOU GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS!!!!!! (screams)  
  
Sarafan Raziel: X_x;;  
  
Vampire Raziel: (tries to hide under couch, he is too big and his butt is seen only)  
  
Fangirls: (SCRRRREEEEEEAM)  
  
Janos: (gripping pineapples with all his might) Can't this stupid thing go faster?!  
  
Zephon: NOPE!  
  
Janos: -_-;  
  
Ariel: Heh.At least I don't have to deal with them....  
  
BO Kain: You wanna get thrown of this thing?!  
  
Ariel: Not really...  
  
(loud screaming of fan girls is heard)  
  
Rahab: (snaps) That's it! Turel! Throw the piggies at them!  
  
Turel: Okee-dokee artichokee. (grabs a large brown sack of piggies, opens it, and empties them out the window, the piggies fly back and hit some fan girls in the face)  
  
Vorador: Dear Lord! They're after my gorgeous face!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: (laughs) (sarcastically) Yeah, and maybe they'll stop chasing us and go after The Hulk, too!  
  
Vorador: Oh, like YOU'RE mister sexiest human alive!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Shut up, ya dumb bat eared piece of shi-  
  
Zephon: ARG! WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO NO GAS!  
  
Turel: (fart)  
  
Everyone: -_-;;;;;;  
  
BO2 Kain: Are there any stations ahead?  
  
Melchiah: (reading map) Not for another 5490753497509238402384023759283056547593753280982034884429837420934729394728 0394719710947923479238579485739457298374092385406804358304582057304975293057 8028503485034786043760934750934769347038258204365341840810482348230934754739 852 miles!  
  
BO Kain: We're doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!  
  
Raziel: Aw, man! They're starting to write on posters and show them to us like we care! Oh, the humanity!  
  
Vorador: (being strangled by Sarafan Raziel) Swurve! Side swipe 'em! Do anything just get rid of them!  
  
Zephon: Umm.how is that done again?  
  
Ariel: Oh, for-! (she grabs the wheel and turns it sharply....over the edge of a cliff)  
  
Everyone: DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIT!!!!!!  
  
(they crash)  
  
BO2 Kain: (sarcastically) Nice going there, Ariel.  
  
Ariel: Shut up, at least I got rid of them.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Finally...  
  
Vorador: (looking at himself in a mirror) Not that they were after you.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Whatever you say, you over grown snot wad..  
  
Vorador: What was that?!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Oh, nothing. (pineapple hits him on the head) OW! Dammit, Janos, stop carrying these things around!  
  
Janos: But they are so wonderful! Pineapples...I must have....pineapples.  
  
Kain: Uh, right. So is this stupid fic over yet?  
  
Raziel: Ending in 10....9.....8.....7.....6.....5..4....3.....2...1!!  
  
Everyone: WHOOHOO!!  
  
THE END.  
  
Hehe.I will tell what the next chapter will be! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! (cough cough) 


	5. THE OUTHOUSE OF MADNESS!

THE OUTHOUSE OF MADNESS!!!!  
  
HAHAHAHA!! Title caught ya by surprise, did it not? Uh.anyway, I'm hyper after my fourth soda (which is nothing compared to 18 cups of coffee my friend has drank just now) of tonight, so the result is PURE MADNESS and spelling errors. Enjoy!  
  
~~~~ REALLY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT THING! ~~~~------------Again, I have been receiving emails from those who have missed the previous 'Truth or Dare' thing. I will be doing another within the next chapter or so. I want to give you guys some time to make stuff up, so go ahead and post stuff now (don't forget you can ask ANYONE! Vorador, Sarafan Raziel, Malek, or a demon thing!) BUT DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW THIS CHAPTER! REVIEW THIS CHAPTER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! (explodes)  
  
  
  
  
  
(Kain sitting alone quietly on his throne in the Sanctuary of the Clans when suddenly...)  
  
Kain: OH CRAP!!! (it echoes)  
  
(Everyone runs in in one big cloud of dust)  
  
Janos: (with pineapples, of course) What the hell was that?  
  
Kain: I just remembered! And I'm surprised you didn't!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Well? What did we forget?  
  
Kain: Well...remember how Elexis said she was taking a break for the last chapter?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Yeah, so?  
  
Kain: DUH! SHE'LL BE BACK THIS TIME!  
  
(Everyone screams and runs in circles in terror, horror, and other such horrible concepts)  
  
Vorador: WHY DOES GOD HATE US SO MUCH?  
  
Ariel: WE ARE DOOMED!  
  
Turel: STAPLER!!! (runs out the door)  
  
(everyone stops and stares for a second, then keep running)  
  
Mobious: HEY! STOP!  
  
(Everyone stops)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Mobious: Maybe.just MAYBE if we stop time, she won't come back!  
  
Zephon: Sounds stupid, but I say we give it a try.  
  
Rahab: Agreed.  
  
Dumah: Using your time streaming thing-a-ma-jig?  
  
Mobious: No, no. STOPPING time requires a different device.  
  
BO Kain: Well where is it?  
  
Mobious: The outhouse out back.  
  
(Everyone looks at each other)  
  
BO2 Kain: That doesn't....uh..Why would you put it there?  
  
Mobious: Well, remember that one time I spent a long time in there because I had diarhe-  
  
Sarafan Raziel: x_X;; Enough said!  
  
Vorador: Why would you do that?  
  
Mobious: Because its cool!  
  
(They all go outside to the outhouse)  
  
Ariel: Um.you cant possibly think we're all gonna fit in there...  
  
Mobious: Sure we will!  
  
(Everyone squeezes in, they look like the circus clowns crammed into a small car)  
  
Vorador: EWWWWW!!! Sarafan Raziel is UGLY! Get out of my face!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Oh like you can talk! You make the swamp thing look like Mel Gibson! Meanwhile, I have been COMPARED to Mel Gibson!  
  
Vorador: (glares) I don't like you!  
  
Kain: Shut up you two! Mobious, it is very smelly in here, hurry up and stop time!  
  
Mobious: It...it broke!  
  
Everyone: WHAT?!  
  
Mobious: (cries)  
  
Zephon: Well..we'll just have to accept the fact the Elexis is coming back and there's nothing we can do about it.  
  
Melchiah: Um..how do we get out?  
  
Vampire Raziel: Uh-oh..  
  
(The outhouse suddenly falls apart....um..the toilet didn't...So there is no dookie.)  
  
(Everyone stands up)  
  
Raziel: (points) Look! Up the sky!  
  
Turel: It's a pig!  
  
Kain: It's a moose!  
  
Janos: HOLY CRAP ITS ELEXIS! RUN!  
  
Me: HEY! I GOT YOU OUT OF THAT MESS AND YOU OWE ME!  
  
(10 minutes later...)  
  
(The Sanctuary of the Clans is once again flooded in piggies)  
  
Sarafan Raziel: (SIGH) WHY?  
  
Me: Because I said so.  
  
Kain: This is scary. I'm beginning to get used to this.  
  
Ariel: The piggies?  
  
Kain: Unfortunately yes.  
  
(Turel does a belly flop into the piggies from the ceiling)  
  
Janos: At least I have my pineapples...  
  
Vampire Raziel: Please tell me this fic is over.  
  
Me: This fic is over.  
  
(PARTY! RAPTURE! JOY!)  
  
  
  
(glares) REVIEW!!!!!!!! 


	6. LIFE STYLES OF THE VAMPS AND THE REAVER!

Hehe! Song parody time!!! ;p  
  
---ANNOUNCEMENT!---PLEASE SEND IN YOUR TRUTH OR DARE SUGGESTIONS! THE LAST DAY I WILL TAKE THEM IS DECEMBER 14, 2002!!!!!  
  
Ok, this here is a parody of Good Charlotte's 'Life Styles of the Rich and Famous', I don't own it, I simply made this odd parody! DON'T SUE ME!!!  
  
This version is sung by the Sarafan making fun of the vampires. This shall be funny. LAUGH, CURSE YOU, LAUGH!! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE MOOSE!!! Oh yes! And recently I have received some inspirational monkeys from a reviewer! Hehe.I will find a way to sneak them into this.  
  
  
  
  
  
(Sarafan Raziel appears with a guitar and his brethren appear as well. Dumah on drums, the rest are either playing another guitar or..)  
  
Turel: FEED ME, SEYMOUR! (runs)  
  
(um..or running for some reason.) (I have a mic, so do the rest)  
  
Me: Y'a only see it in Nosgoth  
  
Or read it in the news  
  
Vampires that want sympathy  
  
All they do is piss and moan  
  
Inside their castle of stone  
  
Talkin' about how hard unlife can be  
  
Sarafan Raziel: I'd like to see them spend a week  
  
Without causin' some deceit  
  
I don't think they would survive  
  
If they could spend a day or two  
  
Walking in some mortal shoes  
  
I think they'd stumble and they fall  
  
(In the abyss they'd fall)  
  
Everyone:  
  
Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
They're always complainin'  
  
Always complainin'  
  
If blood is such a problem  
  
Well they got blood banks  
  
Think we should rob them  
  
Me: Well did you know when you you're a vamp you could kill you brothers  
  
And there's no such thing as 25 to life  
  
As long as you've got the blood, you live longer  
  
And did you know if you were caught and you were stealin' souls  
  
The morgue wouldn't even wanna take you back  
  
You could always just go around killing people  
  
Sarafan Raziel: I'd like to see them spend a week  
  
Without causin' some deceit  
  
I don't think they would survive  
  
If they could spend a day or two  
  
Walking in some mortal shoes  
  
I think they'd stumble and they fall  
  
They would fall  
  
Everyone: Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
They're always complainin'  
  
Always complainin'  
  
If blood is such a problem  
  
Well they got blood banks  
  
Think we should rob them (rob them)  
  
(They would fall, in the abyss)  
  
  
  
(short intramental) (Turel comes running in and yells 'CORN!', followed by bringing in the monkeys) (The monkeys run about, the human Kain yells 'THE MONKEY! IT GETS ANNOYED!' as one attacks him.) (The monkeys start chasing Turel, and they run off stage.)  
  
Everyone: O_O;;;  
  
Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
They're always complainin'  
  
Always complainin'  
  
If blood is such a problem  
  
You got so many problems  
  
Me: (hogging the spotlight)Think I could solve them!  
  
Sarafan Raziel:Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
We'll take your blood, pillars, fangs, and flags just stop complainin'  
  
Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver  
  
Lifestyles of the vamps and the reaver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(It all stops)  
  
Me: Whew!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Spotlight hog!  
  
Me: Shut up!  
  
Sarafan Rahab: What happened to the monkeys?  
  
Sarafan Dumah: Dunno...  
  
(monkeys screams and Turel are heard running backstage)  
  
HA! NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE THE TRUTH OR DARE ONE, SO GET YOUR SUGGESTIONS IN!!!!! ALSO REVIEW FOR THIS!!!!! 


	7. TRUTH N' DARE 2!

HEHEHE!! BEHOLD!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Me: (raises arms) Let the pain begin!  
  
Melchiah: PAIN?!  
  
Me: What? You thought this was going to be FUN?! HA! Fun for standers by, but not you! PREPARE!  
  
Z-F Kat: Hey if you're going to do another truth or dare chapter, then I dare the lieutenants to eat 500 pounds of chocolate ice cream. *Evil laugh*  
  
  
  
Lieutenants: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Zephon: I just got rid of the weight from that 50 pound cake! (cries)  
  
Me: (throws a 500 pound carton of ice cream at them, then tosses shovels) EAT UP!  
  
Vampire Raziel: Shovels?!  
  
Me: Its that or a dinky little ice cream spoon...  
  
Dumah: I will not eat this ice cream!  
  
Me: YES, you will!  
  
Dumah: No, I won't!  
  
Me: (glare) Alright then, don't eat it. We'll just see if you change your mind when I chain you to a pillar and force you listen to Ariel's lectures.  
  
Dumah: (Look of horror) DEAR GOD NO! (eats)  
  
Me: HAHAHA!  
  
______1 year later_______  
  
Me: (sleeping)  
  
Zephon: (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
(The entire place shakes)  
  
Me: O_O;; (wakes up) Done?! FINALLY?!  
  
Rahab: (all fat) Ye-Yes.  
  
Turel: I..am...all.....fat.....now.  
  
(none of them can move)  
  
Vampire Raziel: (holding his head) The head...it aches...  
  
Me: (blinks) Ok, what's next?  
  
Evelin the Winged: Truth or dare? I dare Vorador to hug Sarafan Raziel while saying, "I love you." \_/  
  
Vorador: NOOOOOO! He is ugly!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Oh, like you can talk. ; p  
  
Me: Quit whining and just do it. How bad can it be?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: BAD.  
  
Vorador: REALLY BAD.  
  
Me: Well, no one's going anywhere until you do.  
  
(the lieutenants groan in pain as they strain to move)  
  
Me: Well?  
  
Vorador: (SIGH) Very well..(hugs Sarafan Raziel) (Sniff) I love you!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: (cries)  
  
(They both cry)  
  
Both: I'm sorry! Your not THAT ugly!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Ok I'm done.  
  
(Vorador doesn't let go)  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Um..Ok...You can let go now..  
  
Vorador: Ok, man! (Lets go)  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Uh.(steps away)  
  
Me: That was..interesting...Ok, NEXT!  
  
Rocker Baby: Sarafan Raziel- I DARE THEE TO KISS ME! *puts on lipstick* ^^  
  
Janos- I dare you to actually give away thy pineapples! D  
  
Blood Omen Kain- *insert the most eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevilest of laughter* I DARE YOU TO KISS RAZIEL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: That laugh scares me. (puffs up chest) AHAHAHA!! Eat THAT, Vorador! Looks like I have a few fans, afterall! (smooch) AHAHAHA!!  
  
Vorador: Don't get too confident, you overgrown pimple!  
  
Sarafan Raziel:..(pouts)  
  
Me: Don't worry, Raziel, I think you're cool!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: (looks at me...then cries) NOOOOO!!!  
  
(I punch him over the head)  
  
Me: Anyway, you heard Rocker Baby, Janos! DROP THE PINEAPPLES!  
  
(Everyone is shocked, close up of Janos)  
  
Janos: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (runs in circles hugging pineapples)  
  
Me: Janos.you MUST drop your pineapples!  
  
Ariel: This could take awhile..  
  
Me: Nonsense! This'll be easy. Just watch. (Grabs banana that appeared out of the blue, eats it, then places it in Janos' way)  
  
Janos: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-(falls, spilling pineapples everywhere) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Me: HAHAHA!! Dare complete!  
  
(Janos cries)  
  
Me: You can have them back at the end of the chapter.  
  
(Janos still cries)  
  
Me: And nooooooooooooooooooow..(drum roll) Blood Omen Kain, go give Raziel a (choke) kiss...  
  
Blood Omen Kain: YAOI!! ITS ILLEGAL I TELL YOU! Uh...which one?  
  
Soul Reaver Raziel: I have no lips! HAHAHA!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: I uh..I..umm..ALREADY HAD MY DARE!  
  
(BO Kain looks over at the Vampire Raziel, still sitting, holding his stomach, BO Kain shivers)  
  
Vampire Raziel: What?  
  
BO Kain: I'm just going to gag and apologize ahead of time..(GAAAAAAAAAAAAG!)  
  
Vampire Raziel: For what?  
  
BO Kain: (shivers, the peaks him on the lips) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (pulls out mouthwash, gargles and gargles some more)  
  
Vampire Raziel: (does the same)  
  
Me: Oooooooook...moving on....  
  
Angel-chan: How about... Have SR Raziel tell what he's afraid of... I also want to know: He's been so many different things - a Sarafan, a vampire, a Reaver of Souls, and the very Soul Reaver itself... How does he manage?! Also, does he ever get lonely, what with all this wandering all alone, not trusting anybody? *winks*  
  
SR Raziel: Um...I'm afraid of.....SANTA CLAUS!!!! (cries) AND ITS I'D MUCH RATHER BE 69435940375397503947503457 DIFFERENT CREATURES THAN FACE THAT FAT MAN THAT SMELLS OF HAM! Although, I think bein' the Soul Reaver is kinda NEAT-O! * squints at Angel-chan* And I like my solitude! 'Sides, who has TIME to trust anybody? I am watching out for Santa, he will NOT give me underpants for Christmas again! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Me: You took that suprisingly well...  
  
SR Raziel: Yes, I am amazing, aren't I?  
  
Me: (under her breath) No...  
  
SR Raziel: What?  
  
Me: I said I know. (crosses fingers behind back)  
  
Angel-chan: How about have Kain dress up in a tootoo and dance around for at least ten minutes!! And it HAS to be ballet, none of that improv dancing stuff!  
  
Me: HAHAHAHA! This should be great! Well, you heard Angel-chan, Kain! (tosses tootoo at him)  
  
Kain: Where do you get all this stuff out of no where?  
  
Me: Because I'm cool. ;p  
  
Kain: (blinks) Oh, all right...(puts it on reluctantly)  
  
Everyone: (keeping themselves from laughing)  
  
Me: C'mon! Dance! And remember, NO improv!  
  
Kain: But I don't know ballet..  
  
Me: Do what you've seen, then!  
  
Kain: (cries and starts)  
  
Vorador: (laughing) This is priceless! (snaps a few pictures)  
  
Kain: VORADOR! ONCE I'M DONE, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOO DEAD!  
  
Vorador: Come and get me, Swan Princess!!  
  
(Kain looks like he's about to explode)  
  
Me: (Bops Vorador over the head) Keep going Kain..Meanwhile, I have a 'special mention' today. Its not a truth or dare thing, but I about died laughing of this. FRYING PAN GIRL!  
  
Frying Pan Girl: There goes Mobieus, floatin' down the Delaware chewin on his underwear never found another pair, ten days later, eaten by a polar bear and that was the end of hiiiiiiiiiiiiiim!  
  
Me: I LOVE THAT!! HEHEHEHEHE!  
  
Kain: (still dancing) Can I stop now?  
  
Me: Hm........hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....HMMMMMMMMM!!!-No.  
  
Kain: DAMMIT!!!!!!  
  
  
  
THE END! Next up, a very special spectacular doom filled holiday thing for ya'll!! 


	8. THOSE WHO HUNT SARAFAN

THOSE WHO HUNT SARAFAN Ummm..no one reads these anyway, but in case you were wondering why I havent updated, I had a funeral to attend.  
  
  
  
Heh. This is a DIFFERENT kind of parody, one of an anime! For any of those out there who have seen 'Those Who Hunt Elves', you might have clue of what's coming. )wink wink)  
  
'Those Who Hunt Elves' belongs to their rightful owners...unfortunately not me. BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST DON'T SUE ME!!! (runs screaming)  
  
(opening, I am seen standing in front of a huge fire, hands in the air. Meanwhile, the vampire Kain, Raziel, and Vorador are standing behind.)  
  
Kain: This BETTER work!  
  
Me: Just SHUT UP! Sending you back to your own time is gonna take time, so you better deal with it. This spell is hard enough to cast. (holds chicken and monkey in the air) In the name of piggies I command..  
  
Raziel: (crosses fingers)  
  
Vorador: Hey Kain!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Vorador: I dare you to shove Elexis in the fire! Just as a joke!  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Vorador: Wimp! (goes up and shoves me in the fire)  
  
Me: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! (jumps out and starts pounding the crap out of Vorador) CAN'T YOU EVER SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAY STILL?!  
  
Raziel: THE SPELL!!!  
  
(I turn around and the spell breaks into 3 parts)  
  
Me: DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNIT!!!!!!!!!! Well, 'guess you guys are stickin' around for awhile.  
  
Kain: No! Were could the spell have gone?!  
  
Me: Well...we're close enough to the Sarafan Stronghold that the fragments of the spell are probably hidden in the their, and since.  
  
Vorador: Point being?  
  
(I bash him over the skull)  
  
Me: THE POINT BEING THAT THE SPELL FRAGMENTS ARE TATTOOED ON THE SKIN OF 3 SARAFAN PRIESTS!  
  
Raziel: Oookayyyyy.  
  
Vorador: I guess we should get going...  
  
Kain: Damn.I hate my unlife. Now we need to strip 3 Sarafan priests and scrutinize them in the buck! Coming, Elexis?  
  
Me: I wouldn't, but it'd be stupid if I didn't help you since you probably have no idea what the hell you're doing.  
  
(Meanwhile in the Sarafan Stronghold)  
  
S. Raziel: (looking at a huge, black star on his back) WHAT THE FU-  
  
S. Dumah: (runs in) Raziel! Rahab and Zephon have these marky things on their-OH MY GOD! IT GOT YOU TOO!!  
  
S. Raziel: Yeah..you know what it is?  
  
S. Dumah: No.  
  
S. Raziel: Damn. (puts armor back on) So Rahab and Zephon have this too, do they?  
  
S. Dumah: Yeah. Only Rahab's is on his arm and it's shaped like a piece of toast, and Zephon's is on his foot and it looks like a moose!  
  
S. Raziel: Maybe they'll just go away..  
  
(Vampire Raziel, Kain, Vorador, and I approach the Stronghold)  
  
Me: (eager to get the vampires out) HEY, OPEN UP! (punches a hole in the door) Whoops.Ah, well. (makes the hole bigger and they all crawl through)  
  
Sarafan#1: AAAAAAAAHHH! VAMPIRES!  
  
Sarafan#2: AHHHHHHHH! WORSE! ELEXIS!!! (they all jump out windows)  
  
(I stomp in to where Melchiah and Zephon are guarding the entrance)  
  
Melchiah: CRAP! Wha-What do you want!  
  
V. Raziel: Ummm.A simple request is all..  
  
Melchiah: From a vampire?! YOU HAVE SOME NERVE!  
  
(I sneek up to Melchiah)  
  
Me: Look, just do it and they will leave, I promise, I'll get rid of them.  
  
Melchiah: Fine.what is it?  
  
Kain: Well.ummm (cough) You both need to umm.  
  
Zephon: Need to what?  
  
Me: Shy, Kain? (cough) Takeyourclothesoff (cough).  
  
Melchiah and Zephon: WHAT?!  
  
(Dumah, Rahab and Turel rush in)  
  
Rahab: What's going on here?!  
  
Me: Good! They're all in one spot! Except one.oh well, we'll get him later.  
  
Rahab: Get who? Raziel? What the hell do you want?  
  
Kain: ALL OF YOU NEED TO TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN CLOTHES!!!  
  
Rahab: (blush) WHAT?!  
  
Turel: NAKED! (frolics)  
  
All: O_O;;;  
  
Me: No one should EVER have to see that..  
  
Vorador: Well..nothin' on him.  
  
Me: Maybe HE'S on something, though.  
  
Rahab: Fine..(pouts)  
  
Kain: GASP! What th-?  
  
Me: Its part of the spell!  
  
Rahab: This on my arm? YOU MADE ME STRIP JUST TO SEE MY ARM?!  
  
Vorador: Hey, WE didn't know anything was there!  
  
Kain: Damn lucky it wasn't somewhere ELSE.  
  
Raziel: The rest of you do the same!  
  
(All strip, then stand there blushing, hands over their..uh..ya know.)  
  
Vorador: HEY! Zephon's got one, too!  
  
Raziel: No sight of the third one, though.  
  
Me: Good, two. Now let me remove them...'thou who art lost and alone..get the hell over here'  
  
(the spell fragments attach themselves to me)  
  
Me: Damn. I knew it.  
  
Kain: Now put your clothes back on, your scaring people. _  
  
Zephon: That was an unnecessary comment..  
  
(they get dressed)  
  
Me: Well...theres only one more to go, and by process of elmination..its on the Sarafan Raziel.  
  
Rahab: He's gonna be pissed when you ask him to strip!  
  
Me: (cracks knuckles) He better cooperate.  
  
(we all head in)  
  
(Sarafan Raziel is standing, waiting)  
  
S. Raziel: So, here we are at last. You've stripped and embarrassed the hell out of my brethren and now you've come for me?  
  
Me: Yes. Now take off your clothes.  
  
S. Raziel: Wha-its not going to be that easy!  
  
Kain: It better be, dammit!  
  
Me: (frustrated) JUST DO IT!!!!!! (tears off his armor)  
  
S.Raziel: (FLUSH) I hate you all..  
  
Me: Sure, fine.  
  
Kain: Here! On his back!  
  
Me: Good. (removes spell)  
  
S.Raziel: (Goes back for his clothes, but they are gone) WHAT THE HELL?! (spots Turel running with his clothes)  
  
Turel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
S. Raziel: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, TUREL! Elexis, would you get m-  
  
(We left)  
  
S. Raziel: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!  
  
(back at the alter...)  
  
Me: The spell is complete! Quick! The portal is open! Go! Leave! No one wants you here!  
  
(They all jump through, going back to there own time)  
  
Me: Whew!  
  
(Back at the Stronghold, S. Raziel is still there...naked)  
  
S. Raziel: Why is it that everyone finds my pain funny?  
  
Me: Because it is!  
  
S. Raziel: Elexis! Why'd you leave! Give me some clothes!  
  
Me: HMMMMMMM..  
  
S. Raziel: Oh, come one! I thought you said I was cool!  
  
Me: I did, didn't I?  
  
S. Raziel: Yes.  
  
Me: Hmm..Later. I'll be back.maybe.  
  
S. Raziel: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!  
  
  
  
The end. (of the chapter.not Sarafan Raziel's nakedness) Hope you enjoyed this!!! Please Review!!!  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPERS!!!! 


	9. SR2 BLOOPERS!

SOUL REAVER 2 BLOOPERS!!!  
  
I know! I know! Its cliché! But I have so many ideas for bloopers I think- (head explodes before statement is finished)  
  
  
  
(Raziel in the Stronghold and walks up to the statue of his former self)  
  
Raziel VO- It tortured me to see how noble and pure I had been, and what a vile phan-  
  
(Sarafan Raziel suddenly breaks out of the statue)  
  
S. Raziel: BOO!!!  
  
Raziel: X_X;;;;;  
  
(Raziel goes to change underpants)  
  
Director: Uh.  
  
(S. Raziel and others laugh it up) **BIP**  
  
(Raziel first emerges from the Stronghold, he approaches the edge of the balcony)  
  
Raziel: I emerged, and for the first time, beheld Nosgoth in its former glory. A land overflowed with abun-(he doesn't stop walking forward and walks right off the platform)  
  
Raziel: (falling) OHMYGODIMGONNADIEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Director: Idiot..(slaps forehead) **BIP** (Raziel and Kain at the pillars)  
  
Raziel: You said it yourself, Kain. There are only two sides to your coin.  
  
Kain: BRILLIANT, EINSTEIN! HOW MANY 5 SIDED COINS HAVE YOU SEEN LATELY?!  
  
Director: CUT! Dammit, Kain! Stop being a smart-ass and follow the script! **BIP** (The Elder God)  
  
Raziel: And if I tell Moebius that he's worshipping a giant squid, do you think his faith will falter?  
  
Elder God: (sniff) You're a meanie!  
  
Moebius in the distance: Squid? SQUID?! I've been worshipping a- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! (runs, screams, and huddles in a corner) **BIP** (The Termogent Forest Swamp)  
  
(Raziel whips around and spots Vorador)  
  
Vorador: (nervous dance) EEEEEEEP! HE SEES ME! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?!  
  
Director: Vanish, you idiot! VANISH! Are you that senile?!  
  
(S. Raziel is heard snickering in the background)  
  
Vorador: Cork it, Raziel!  
  
Director: Vanish..just VANISH...  
  
Vorador: Oh, right. (Vanishes) **BIP** (In the Dark Forge)  
  
(Raziel comes across one of those.er...zombie things, he fights it, tears it in half, and chocolate sprays out)  
  
Raziel: Moebius! You have some 'splainin to do! **BIP** (History and Destiny Collide)  
  
Raziel: Show yourself, Kain!  
  
Kain: HERE, Raziel.  
  
(Raziel approaches, Kain disappears and appears about 10 feet away)  
  
Kain: HERE, Raziel! (does it again)  
  
HERE, Raziel!  
  
Director: CUT! Damnit, Kain! **BIP** Raziel: Humble words from someone who intends to teach me a lesson at every turn.  
  
Kain: (wearing glasses and holding a huge book) HMPH! Well then, continue your journey and learn your own lessons, my boy. (turns around, pouting)  
  
Director: No comment... **BIP** (Ariel's lament)  
  
Ariel: Forever I am bound, hope abandoned, my spirit tethered to this place...What destroyed the circle could not touch me. For I was newly dead, and beyond harm's reach. I alone was spared the decent into madness, and Kain alone was spared the pain of death. Blah, blah, blah.  
  
Raziel: SHUT UP! (Throws a bottle of Prozac at her)  
  
(A/N: I HATE ARIEL!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!) **BIP** (The Tenth Guardian)  
  
Raziel: Janos Audron?  
  
Janos: (turns around, pineapples in hand) It is hardening, after all th-  
  
Director: Lose the pineapples, I-used-too-much-hair-gel-man! **BIP** Janos: He has suffered much. He cannot forgive them.  
  
Raziel: Question. You have wings. Why don't you just, you know, fly out of here? Or have your wings been clipped? It makes no sense!!  
  
Janos: (Just now realizing this, looks on his back) Oh yeah! I forgot about those! (starts flying away) SO LONG, SUCKERS!  
  
Director: CUT!!! **BIP** (The Sarafan bust down the door, Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Melchiah, and Zephon run in, Sarafan Raziel is seen standing eating ice cream)  
  
Rahab: WTF?  
  
S. Raziel: Eh?  
  
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!! **BIP** (The Death of Janos Audron)  
  
S. Raziel: Remember the sword!  
  
(the Sarafan run out)  
  
Raziel: Forgive me, I'm sorry..I failed you.  
  
Janos: OH WHAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN ME!!! DAMN YOU, RAZIEL! YOU SLOW PIECE OF CRAP!! A CURSE! A CURSE UPON YOUR HOUSE..OR WHATEVER!! (dies)  
  
Raziel: .....  
  
Janos: (gets back up quickly) Kill Kain. (dies again)  
  
Raziel: ...... **BIP** (Vengeance)  
  
Zephon: Come to take your revenge, demon?  
  
Melchiah: Back to hell with you!  
  
Raziel: I recognized these two as my former brethren. In life as Sarafan, and in unlife as Kain's vampire 'sons.' Melchiah and Zephon. The weakest of Kain's brood. These bastards had no idea what future lie in store for them, how they would become the very thing they so despised. The reaver hummed with-  
  
Reaver: LALALALALA! I CANT HEAR YOU! (hums)  
  
Raziel: ?  
  
Director: CUT! **BIP**  
  
(same scene)  
  
Raziel: I recognized these two as my former brethren. In life as Sarafan, and in unlife as Kain's vampire 'sons.' Melchiah and Zephon. The weakest of Kain's brood. These bastards had no idea what future lie in store for them, how they would become the very thi- HUSSAN CHOP!! (runs after the two Sarafan)  
  
Melchiah and Zephon: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Director: Yes, CUT! **BIP** Dumah: Have you come back to reclaim the monster's black heart?  
  
Rahab: You'll have to get through us first!  
  
Raziel: My former brethren Dumah and Rahab confronted me next-this all seemed so elegantly choreographed.  
  
Guy#1: Thanks! It DID take awhile!  
  
Director: Shut up....shut up..SHUT UP!!! **BIP** Raziel: My former brethren Dumah and Rahab confronted me next-this all seemed so elegantly choreographed.Exhilerated by the reaver, I was dr- HUSSAN CHOP!!! (runs after Dumah and Rahab now)  
  
Dumah and Rahab: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGG!!!  
  
Director: Raziel, are you retarded?! **BIP** (Turel)  
  
Turel: Get back to the pit you crawled from, demon!  
  
Raziel: Damnit, Turel! Its about time you showed up! You still owe me money!  
  
Turel: Eh heheh.about that....  
  
Director: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGG!!! (jumps off building) **BIP** (Sarafan Raziel)  
  
(Raziel walks in)  
  
S. Raziel: I'm tired, come back later.  
  
Raziel: ? **BIP** (Raziel impales S. Raziel)  
  
S. Raziel: Could you aim any lower?!  
  
Raziel: Sorry..Hey, does this count as suicide? 'Cause I DID technically, kill myself.  
  
Director: Just shut up.. ============================================================= (pant, pant) Ok! I'm done! Please review! You now you want to! 


End file.
